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Less Milky, more Claire

17/08/18 / 0 Comments

Getting personal: less Milky, more Claire

I knew 2018 would be the year of change. After a rather chaotic end of 2017 where I tried balancing insomnia, discomfort, a breakup, and serious health issues, Milkywaysblueyes Inc, I was firmly waiting for this new year. And the beginning of this new year was as beautiful and surprising as sad and confusing. I was in a period of renewal: moving, rediscovering myself after my breakup, reconnecting with lost friends, new encounters … and I was starting to feel more and more happy. Then life decided to take a turn – again – and made that during this period of pure happiness, I once again took hard hits, the kind of hits that made the little fragile balance I had built collapse entirely.

When I’m faced with problems, I am a real child. I have a really hard time looking things in the eye, facing the damage. I am often told that I have a “heart of stone”, surely because I never show when I am unhappy. I manage to keep these things to myself and to live my desperation alone. When I’m in public or with people I love, I can put all of those negative feelings in a corner of my mind and not think about it, so I always seem happy. Not that I’m ostrich but … maybe a little. So, I decided to flee Belgium and go abroad as soon as the opportunity was given: I spent just one or two weeks in Belgium for three months. This need to flee the country was quite paradoxical, because at the same time, I met someone with whom I wanted to spend time in Belgium and I also spent wonderful moments with my friends.

In 6 months, I feel like I have lived 10 years of my life. These 6 months went by both super fast, but have also seemed without end. I have a lot of trouble putting into words what I felt during the beginning of the year. On the one side, my heart has been broken into a thousand pieces (literally and physically at that) but on the other hand, it has never beaten with so much happiness and joy of life. I thought I would never get out of this conflicted feeling between an infernal spiral and the desire to move on and live in true happiness. This late 2017 and early 2018 were both the worst period and the most beautiful periods of my life.

Everything started at the end of 2017.

I can’t say I nearly died when I got sick, far from it, but this loooong month of forced bedrest made me think about the meaning of my life and especially the one that I wanted to give it. My body lost it before my mind did, but I think that if I had not been ill,  a burn-out may have gotten the best of me. I am a hyperactive person, I always need my days to be full, do a thousand things, see a thousand people, work around the clock. As I always say, in my head we are 12. And I always want to do things as if “I were 12”. It all started when I returned from Bali. After being away for three weeks, on a trip where I decided to make a decision that would change all the plans I had set for my future: leave the person I had been with since almost eight long years (more about this in this article). I made the decision, but then we decided to keep trying, to correct our wrongs in order for our relationship to work. Even if, deep inside of me, this decision was made a long time ago. Saying goodbye to a routine, to habits, to someone who knows you better than anyone on this planet is not the easiest thing, and the fear of being wrong is really strong. Before my trip to Bali, I felt extremely bad about myself, I was no longer “me” and I had to find myself. This trip allowed me to reflect, think, and make the right decisions. But my disordered spirits unconsciously made me live in a little “nutshell” (to say it frankly): I immersed myself in hard work to occupy my days and not think too much, I started to flee my daily life by having a lot of parties, I did not sleep at night because I was thinking about too many things, I had a totally disordered pace of life so I did not eat well and had considerably lost weight… That was when my body came to a big fat STOP. I was admitted to the hospital on the night of Friday to Saturday after a big crisis that I could not yet define. When I woke up in the morning, we still had no results, I asked the doctor when could I leave because I had to work in that day (I had an event in a shop where I had to be present). And then the doctor slammed me with the words that I least expected: “Miss, you have a heart infection, you will be hospitalized for at least a week”.

It’s weird, but I remember this moment like it was yesterday (while it was more than 6 months ago). I remember how the doctor looked at me, how the room was arranged, where my bag was. It’s stupid, but I felt like my world was crumbling. It was early December, so I had busy weeks of work awaiting, Christmas parties to prepare, evenings with friends planned before the exams, presentations for the university, a breakup on pause … All these things to do, and a doctor that told me that I was in for a week of hospitalization  and between 2 and 4 months of revalidation because of a heart in shambles. A hit, a real hit.

I was a little panicky I’ll admit, but fortunately from a professional point of view, Marine and Oceane, my assistant and my manager, did a great job by replacing me on a daily basis and most importantly, my clients were understanding of my situation. Similarly from a school point of view, I got my points for work that I did not know how to present. Eventually things were organizing themselves without me. I was able to rest, think and, most importantly, learn a good lesson from what had just happened to me.

In the end, after three weeks of rest, I obviously did not hold in place anymore. I had found an apartment in which I was eager to move in and I wanted to give everything I had for my exam session, even though I did not know how I could pass everything. I decided to take almost nothing from my old life with me and start from scratch. So, I had a rather calm move where I was well supported by my family, I was able to start studying for my exams in my new home. Of course, I still was weak and hope for success was just as weak. In the end, I managed to save the day a little by passing 2 exams of the 5 that I had. A miracle ! This new year was well underway.

The year continued in this way with a new encounter, a beautiful encounter. I do not want to dwell on this subject because I am quite modest and especially I want to preserve our privacy and happiness. I do not want to show of my relationship. I need our moments to ourselves and not too much from us on social networks (I’ll tell you more in a future article). But, he has made some appearances in my stories, in those of my friends, and the questions about him are pouring in, so I wanted to talk a little bit about it anyway. This, especially because he is largely responsible for my newfound happiness and that talking about the person I am today after these complicated 6 months without talking about him would not make sense. I met him thanks to my Vanessa, TheWildGirl (the one and only), he is the best friend of her boyfriend which makes that we spent a lot of time together and we very quickly clicked. I will tell you his name: Luka! Seen as I’m a big fan of Italy, it was written in the stars that I would fall in love with an Italian stud! I’ll introduce him occasionally, but it’s still too early for me to share more.

With this encounter, I was at the height of happiness. I had the impression that 2018 would indeed be my year. And then BAM, another hit. I cannot talk about it and I do not want to talk about it because it remains private. But this one was directly followed by another hit, even more violent. Again, I had the impression to lose everything, that things would never again be like before. I felt real pain, the one that makes you scream your heart out and cry continuously for days. If I have to put my finger on a week of my life that has been the most painful, it’s this one. Those who followed were all the more complicated. What was the hardest, was to keep face on social media. Again, it’s stupid, but I had a lot of projects running, Claire could be down but Milky could not. For weeks, if not months, I wore Milky’s mask to hide Claire’s in the eyes of everyone. And finally, little by little, things gradually got back into place, slowly but surely we went down this difficult slope and even if to this day everything is not yet right and the aftermath of these moments are still painful, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

It’s been a long time since I’ve confided in you, and I really have trouble writing these words.This article has been on hold for several weeks. I’ve been writing a few sentences here and there, when I usually write all at once. I tried to structure what I had in mind without much success, but never mind. I write these last words during my vacation, because finally my mind is a little at peace. Those few days surrounded by people I love have already been so helpful, and I see the future a little clearer. It took a long time, but life ended up returning to normal, things got better, and I can now say that I’m calm. I learned the lessons from this beginning of the year, now I enjoy life. I do things between my professional life and my personal life, I no longer kill myself at work (I can not do it anymore anyways), I try to be more present for the people I love, to be more Claire than Milky, and I take things calmly, as they come. I think that 2018 still has a lot to offer, and already had me gain so much maturity. As I said, I feel like I have lived 10 years of my life in 6 months, and wow, it made me grow and live all these happy moments.

I think this article is quite long, but in fact I realize that I still have a lot to tell you about what I want for the future, but I think I’ve said enough for today and I keep it for next time.

Love you.

 

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